How to give good gifts
Giving and receiving gifts can be difficult.
Sometimes I get it bang on – the malt whisky chocolates I gave my partner; Temeraire by Naomi Novik to my Patrick O’Brien loving dad; some handmade bee earrings for my mum, who still tells me about the compliments she gets when she wears them.
Sometimes things don’t work out, though. A few years ago I ended up being assigned the head of my department in the office Secret Santa. It was my first year in that job, and I think my first ever office Secret Santa. I bought him a silly thing, which I didn’t intend him to use but I thought he might find funny – this post-it set. He never found out it was from me, and a little while later he mentioned he was worried that it meant others thought he was rudely demanding. I did not; I always found him very easy to work with and would not have given him the gift if I thought he’d read that meaning into it. Whoops. If you are reading this, Alasdair, then I am very sorry.
If you've ever faced the struggle of giving the right gift, then good news: I’ve been reading the research on gift-giving and I have some science-based tips on how to give a good gift.
As always, bear in mind that most psychology research is done on the WEIRD population, and that these tips may be more or less relevant to you depending on your own culture’s expectations about gift-giving.
General tips
‘More expensive’ does not mean ‘better’
If you only take away one tip, make it this. I have heard some horror stories about gift-giving arms races where each person felt they had to match the financial input of the other, sometimes to their monetary distress. However, most people would rather have a thoughtful-but-cheap gift than an expensive-but-thoughtless one. We can sometimes forget this when we’re buying a gift – we tend to think that more expensive gifts must also automatically be more thoughtful and more wanted by the recipient than cheaper alternatives.
You’re also setting yourself up for some heartache as the giver if you spend lots of money, because you’re likely to expect a higher level of appreciation than you would for a cheap gift, and you’re not necessarily going to get it.
To overcome this problem, try to put yourself in the recipient’s shoes and ask yourself whether you’d rather have something expensive but not really ‘you’ or something cheaper that you really want.
Doubling up is okay!
When we have to find gifts for multiple recipients, like at Christmas, we tend to buy a different gift for each person. We do this even if there’s no way the recipients would find out we’d bought the same gift, Unfortunately, it backfires: buying different gifts for everyone means some people end up with a gift that they like less than if you had doubled up.
To overcome this problem, think about individual recipients’ likes and dislikes while choosing your gift. Will your pickle-loving aunts really be offended if they both get pickle-making kits, or will they be pleased that you have remembered their interest in vinegary deliciousness?
Think before you give a consumable gift
Consumable gifts are ones that get used up – think a candle, which you can use for a while before it runs out of wax, rather than a candle-holder, which you can reuse again and again. Some people love expensive but ephemeral things like truffle oil, bath bombs or an expensive bottle of liqueur. But some people get stressed out when you give them this kind of gift, because to use it is to destroy it, which brings up negative emotions.
To overcome this problem, the easiest way is to straight up ask them whether they’d prefer a consumable gift or one they can reuse. If this isn’t possible, think carefully about their habits. Are they someone with a cupboard full of fancy tea that they can’t bear to use? Or do they rip joyfully into the luxury box of chocolates they get on their birthday?
Companionize your gift
Companionized gifts are ones where the giver has also bought themselves the same item and – importantly – tells the recipient that’s what they’ve done. If you tell someone that you’re giving them a book that you really enjoyed and thought they might like as well, they will probably like the book more. This seems to happen because you’re implying a similarity between you and the recipient. Of course, it won't work in every situation: do not be tempted to use this tip as a rationale for giving your friend a book on how to be a better friend.
Tips for specific circumstances
Giving a gift card?
Don’t be petty
You might think this is fairly obvious and are even now giving me the side-eye, but hear me out, because there’s something may not have considered: generous pettiness. Imagine a friend owes you for a drink that cost £3.15. Assuming you’re not really strapped for cash, are you going to feel better if your friend gives you £3 and apologises for not having the full amount, or if they make a big deal of scrabbling around in their pockets to give you the exact change? I’d certainly prefer the former, and this is likely to be the case with gifts too, at least if you’re giving them in exchange for a favour.
Gift cards are perhaps the most obvious example of this, because you can easily find out exactly how much is on them.
A gift card for £5? Great! Thank you so much!
A gift card for £5.07? That’s… weirdly specific. What are you trying to tell me? Is this a passive-aggressive payback for some perceived slight? Do you not really like me?
Can’t afford a whole gift?
Give a partial gift that’s a whole component
What do you do if you ask for someone’s wish list and find that all of the items on it are more than you can afford?
Assuming your friend isn’t just being a dick – let’s say they had cheap and expensive gifts on there but it took you a while to look and now all of the cheaper ones have been bought by other people – then you should look for something where you can give a whole component of the gift.
Maybe they want a weekend at a spa that costs £250, but you can only afford £50. Have a look at the website of the spa and see whether there’s an individual treatment they would like there that costs about that amount. Then, when you give your friend the cash or gift card, you say, “I couldn’t afford the whole thing but this will cover the massage/hydro bath/body scrub you wanted.”
It may sound kind of weird, but people really are OK with receiving components of gifts like this!
Close to the recipient?
Give something handmade or experiential
Despite the widespread availability of high-quality machine-made items, we seem to have a special attachment to items that have been handmade. We think of things that have been handmade as “containing love” in a way that machine-made things don’t, so while they may be excellent gifts for people we’re close to, they might not be so good for more distant acquaintances. Experiential gifts like amusement park trips or a nice meal at a restaurant are also likely to make the recipient feel closer to you, whether or not you share that experience with them.
If you’ve handmade the gift yourself, you might be afraid of the knitter’s ‘sweater curse’ or whatever equivalent exists among the community of the craft you engage in – that giving someone a gift you’ve made will somehow destroy your love. Don’t be put off by this, but do act with caution! Though I wasn’t able to find any research on this topic, Wikipedia is of the opinion that there are several possible causes for people believing in the sweater curse and related superstitions, most of which are related to the time, cost and effort that a person puts into making something and whether that is appreciated by the recipient. To me, this seems like the same kind of problem as expecting more gratitude for an expensive gift than a cheaper but more thoughtful one. So, if you’re going to make someone a handmade item, remember that a small, needed item like a pair of gloves, or something that the recipient has actually requested from you, might be much more appreciated than a big but unneeded item like a sweater.
Need an emergency gift?
Don’t automatically dive for the gift cupboard
Many people have a cupboard or something similar where they keep relatively generic gifts like a pot of homemade jam or a board game. These gifts haven’t been bought with a particular person or a particular occasion in mind. Instead, they’re there as insurance. Neighbour brought round a gift you weren’t expecting? Into the gift cupboard and pull out that bottle of wine to give to them in return!
No problem with this if your neighbour also has a gift cupboard and understands its function, but some people may be insulted. The gift is not personal to them and therefore doesn’t send the message that you value your relationship with them. Even if you don’t tell them that you’ve been in the gift cupboard, you know – and your behaviour might give that away. So, think twice before you use it. It might be better to say, “I'm sorry, I have something specific in mind for you but I haven't had a chance to buy it yet.”
Good luck with your gift-giving!